bouncing spring

spring,
blooms gracefully as a flower,
yet this,
shoots up in the sky and bursts into colours,
showering the earth with petals and flowers.

once lost in the dark, cold, and empty,
you shone like the Sun so indefinitely,
you reminded me of the beach,
again, a familiarity finally at reach.

just take a step closer,
push the winter, the snow that comes with, the ice cold,
and this,

is all I needed,
a transition, some recognition,
I don't know about you but I need some lovin',
forgive me for sayin',
but you

you

what is it about you?
you take my breath away in just a day,
I grow curious of you til I ache,
this is too sudden, my heart just can't take,
It's grinning and jumping,
I just can't help myself,
I just... wanna know you better,
wanna soak in your cologne you sprayed on your collar,
wanna know your favourite colour, why your stare got me starting to wonder
why I'm feeling this way?
why this cray? I mean, shit. Like. I can't even be poetic about this feeling. The confusion it's bringing.
It just boggles me,
puts my thoughts into twists,
the way your tongue would twist,
when it's trying to resist,
the millions and trillions,
kisses.
I want, to recite Sheena's love poem to you,
and hope it gets the message across to you, and straight into you,
and really, I hope you do, understand that I somehow, suddenly, truly, madly, deeply, do.


I guess, if I'm lucky, just please:
http://gawdeepah.blogspot.my/2013/09/high-school-love-poem.html


Just know that,
I am so in love with the thought of you,
that I'm hoping that when I do get to know the real you,
I'd finally be able to bloom,
among the flowers and fly to the moon (((((((((((((((((cuz 420 blaze it faggott!!!!!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))

a cycle

I am by the beach,

Soaking in the sunlight, beaming bright as can be,

The warm sand tickles my feet,

Leaving imprints or clinging on me,

And as much as I shake, it won't get off of me, 

Get off of me, 

The sea swallows me and rids me of thee,

But I gasp for air, and that's when I realise 

I'm in despair.

I am on the ocean floor,

Dark, cold, and empty,

These feelings consume me,

Eating me up inside and demanding a reason why, 

Frustration builds, exhaustion nears,

I can't fucking stand this saltiness,

seeping in through the corners of my lips,

So I wait,

I wait until I fall into abyss,

So I no longer have to feel like this.

Sweet

I'm still in a state where I don't know if I wanna be in this reality any longer.
So I did what I did with my dreams: I took a deep breath and braced myself. But in this case, I didn't wanna say goodbye (though I had many thoughts of doing just that). I wanted to be honest with my reality and be a happier other half. So I stood up to my reality and talked to it, being as honest as I could.

And I'm so so so sooooo glad you understand where I'm getting at. I'm so happy I approached you this way because then we can truly try our best to make this reality feel like a dream.

I am so happy I puffed up my chest and faced my problems to both you and my dreamy man.
I finally found my inner peace and that's just to not bottle up my feelings and be optimistic that everything will work out because I believe that the big man up there planned it out perfectly for me.

Alhamdulillah :)

Bitter

What a week it's been.
I have been in a sleepless dream that I have subconsciously fallen into. You filled the pieces that reality was missing, so perfectly and so suddenly. You were so delightful and a breath of fresh air that I terribly needed. I almost couldn't believe I had this in my grasp. I almost couldn't believe I found you.

But I also had reality.
And I knew I couldn't have the both of you.

But I insistingly stayed and just a week of your dreamy touch, I am hooked. Reality now seems so dull and boring, I didn't want to go back to it. I just wanted to swim in your endless conversations that seem to flow ever so smoothly. I just wanted you and I was so ready to commit but fuck-

Even you had your own reality. Well, my mistake to think you didn't.
At that moment, I knew what I had to do. I took a step back, took a deep breath and braced myself to say goodbye to the best dream of my 18+ year life. How I wish you would've drugged me with your words and sedate me back into the dream but we both couldn't stay asleep for any longer. Our realities needed us and we were both aware of this.
With that said, the only thing left is:

Thank you for the week, my dreamy man, but it's time for me to go back to my real man.
I'll miss you.

It's true

I am happy












































?

I don't know where I stand anymore.

I am just living. Existing. Breathing.
I miss you. I miss what we had but I have to put up this front so I don't fall for you any deeper. This is not me but it's who I have to be. Haha, how fucked up is that? Everyone is all about "be yourself" but what happens when being yourself just ends up hurting yourself? I guess I am just in a phase of discovering myself. Setting standards to how I should be treated. Setting standards to what kind of a person I want to be.

I am happy. At least I believe I am.

you win nothing, you lose all (I hope nobody still goes on blogspot)

"your future boyfriend is such a lucky man"

Already twice I've had these words thrown at me by two different people I fell for. I am so tired of investing so much time, energy and feelings for it all to go to waste. But the annoying optimistic side of me keeps embracing and telling myself that it's okay and what's meant to be is meant to be.

I didn't fall hard for Farid but I was on my way to. I could feel myself accepting all that he is, all his good and bad. Though I would constantly find myself comparing him to my ex, who was undoubtedly the person I have fallen the hardest for, I would push those thoughts away because he's a different person. More so, I have completely let Daniel go.

Yet, life is always unfair. Here I am, allowing myself to fall for a man that had just broken up, thinking to myself "It's okay. He was mistreated and surely, he'd find comfort in me." In a way, I was allowing myself to be a rebound but I could care less cause he made me laugh so much, my sides would hurt. The way he would talk about our religion so proudly. And I love it most when he would sing. Sometimes, I wish he never stopped.

I guess what made me fall for him in the first place was seeing how vulnerable he was. Knowing how his ex was such a bitch made me so angry and I needed to prove him a point that love is beautiful. I strongly believe that being in love would mend what was broken but up to now, he still couldn't let her go. It bothered him so much because he knew he couldn't love me as much in return. I couldn't blame him though, he just got out from the relationship and I have bombarded him with my loud self.

And so, this is how I learn to let him go so he can find peace in himself before he can let anyone else back into his heart. I was happy to once be able to hold his hand and call him mine. Not even a month and I've already created so many memories with him. So I'd be happy to let him go because we both deserve the peace. I'm not giving up, just giving time.

"dawai semakin menebal
sampai jadi underground pipe shit whatever"

I love you, fawid. Kalaulah the future holds plans for us, just know I'm more than willing to take it.

Won't you keep your eyes on me?

Negativity has eluded my mind. Clouding my thoughts and blurring what is real. My emotions shattered. Tears drained. I succumb to this poison, sinking deeper into a sea of thoughts. Why? What if? More why's? And more what if's? And what I say is always restricted compared to my thoughts and feelings. I bite my tongue from saying what I really wish to say because I know how you will react to them and thing's will only go downhill.

You might think I'm overreacting and I should trust you (god knows how much I do) and you're sorry. But it is not about trust nor apologies. It's about telling things to each other. I feel like shit because I didn't find out from you but from the social media! And what if it wasn't on the net? Would I know? Were you trying your luck and have this hidden from me? See, this when I start questioning myself. Don't you see?! I didn't bother you because I thought you were with your friends and you reply super late when you're with them and then I come home to this.

I know you love me and if you think of me as often as you say you do, you'd might actually inform me. Because I was actually in your thoughts while you were having dinner or watching the movie or whatever the fuck you were doing in between. Excuse my language. I am frustrated and very much surprised.

I miss you so much and I haven't seen you for too long for my heart to bear.
You don't realize how much I crave for your attention.
And probably this is my one of many sad attempts to catch your attention, even if it means making you angry at me. Whatever it takes to make you notice me again. Even for a short while.
That, is how bad I crave for your attention.

Finishing line or a new beginning?

2 years 11 months. It has been a great run. No doubt, you have been the best I've ever had. You've opened my eyes to see the world as it is and in a way only you can. You have opened the doors to your heart to this stranger who knew nothing of what love is or even how to love.
Through heartache and pain I've shoved into your chest, you could still say you love me and it hurts me so much to realize my mistakes a little too late. It hurts me how I'm the rotten apple in the relationship. It hurts me how you're this amazing ball of light that cannot shine because I am the overpowering darkness. It hurts.
There's no denying that I love you with all of my heart, soul and mind. Thoughts of us deludes me at the end of the day, thought of you and me conquering the world side-by-side. And reality strikes when the past comes to haunt. And present me does not know how to react and I proceed to lying. To cover up my shame. To save you from the truth because I myself am afraid of the truth. What if this is the real me?
Is this monster who I really am? Am I designed by God to be a fucking whore, never worth being in a relationship with, yet able to love like a mother to a child? Who am I to question God? Who am I to deserve such a relationship from a man who tolerates my nonsense? Why is he doing this to me? Why does he continue to stay? Why do I want him to stay when all I fucking do is fucking bring sadness? Why do I fucking telling myself to let him go but all I do is pull him closer? Why am I unable to completely change for this man Ive fell for so hard?
Shouldnt that be the easiest thing to do? His happiness is my priority. I should be able to change in a snap of a finger and yet that I cannot do. Does that mean I should let him go? He should be able to find the one because I am out of the way. I must not be selfish. God is there for his safe passage towards his soulmate and I am just stepping stone for him to get there. I have accepted this fate. Accepting the fact he may not be mine forever. Accepting that I have been the most terrible choice he's made.
So what do I do?

I am sorry, sayang. I never wanna let you go. I dont want to let you go. I want to be selfish and able to call you mine because you make me so proud and happy and filled with so much energy. But I am not worth your tears. I have caused you too much pain that kills me to have done. I hope tomorrow will bring us happiness in the future. In my heart, I pray we stay but my head tells to do the right thing. I leave it in the hands of the Almighty.
Whatever that happens, I want you to know that you will always be a huge part in my life and I will always love you. Thank you for loving this messed up girl and showing her what love is capable of making one feel. That floating feeling. So.. exciting. I love you. I love you. I love you, Daniel Choo. Please forgive me. You have been nothing but the best.

4:20am

Sometimes I wonder why I do all these stupid things. Every time I think "meh" it ends up terribly. I wanna be able to meh without regretting. I wanna meh all day long with you but you're the one that's making me feel bad for meh-ing. And then fuck, I think "what the fuck am I typing" and all I can tell you guys is I'm not happy. Moments like these make me think and I hate that every turn I take in my thoughts, ends up bad and I would feel upset and cry and cry and cry (not really I shed a tear and that's bout it). Tah la. Like I fucking love you yet I feel like I don't know you. Like, what am I doing with you? Is this right? What happens next? Why am I such a bad person? Why do I make you angry all the time? What am I doing wrong? Why am I so clueless? So stupid? So fucking.. Fucked?!

It's ridiculous, man. I'm tired yet I can't rest. So you tell me what to do when I have no one to talk to at this hour and all I long is your presence on the other side of the call. I screw things up and I expect them to get better by itself. I don't know how to fix things. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. It eats your inside, blaming yourself for all the faults you've caused. "You are an idiot, lily" I'm done.