Won't you keep your eyes on me?

Negativity has eluded my mind. Clouding my thoughts and blurring what is real. My emotions shattered. Tears drained. I succumb to this poison, sinking deeper into a sea of thoughts. Why? What if? More why's? And more what if's? And what I say is always restricted compared to my thoughts and feelings. I bite my tongue from saying what I really wish to say because I know how you will react to them and thing's will only go downhill.

You might think I'm overreacting and I should trust you (god knows how much I do) and you're sorry. But it is not about trust nor apologies. It's about telling things to each other. I feel like shit because I didn't find out from you but from the social media! And what if it wasn't on the net? Would I know? Were you trying your luck and have this hidden from me? See, this when I start questioning myself. Don't you see?! I didn't bother you because I thought you were with your friends and you reply super late when you're with them and then I come home to this.

I know you love me and if you think of me as often as you say you do, you'd might actually inform me. Because I was actually in your thoughts while you were having dinner or watching the movie or whatever the fuck you were doing in between. Excuse my language. I am frustrated and very much surprised.

I miss you so much and I haven't seen you for too long for my heart to bear.
You don't realize how much I crave for your attention.
And probably this is my one of many sad attempts to catch your attention, even if it means making you angry at me. Whatever it takes to make you notice me again. Even for a short while.
That, is how bad I crave for your attention.

Finishing line or a new beginning?

2 years 11 months. It has been a great run. No doubt, you have been the best I've ever had. You've opened my eyes to see the world as it is and in a way only you can. You have opened the doors to your heart to this stranger who knew nothing of what love is or even how to love.
Through heartache and pain I've shoved into your chest, you could still say you love me and it hurts me so much to realize my mistakes a little too late. It hurts me how I'm the rotten apple in the relationship. It hurts me how you're this amazing ball of light that cannot shine because I am the overpowering darkness. It hurts.
There's no denying that I love you with all of my heart, soul and mind. Thoughts of us deludes me at the end of the day, thought of you and me conquering the world side-by-side. And reality strikes when the past comes to haunt. And present me does not know how to react and I proceed to lying. To cover up my shame. To save you from the truth because I myself am afraid of the truth. What if this is the real me?
Is this monster who I really am? Am I designed by God to be a fucking whore, never worth being in a relationship with, yet able to love like a mother to a child? Who am I to question God? Who am I to deserve such a relationship from a man who tolerates my nonsense? Why is he doing this to me? Why does he continue to stay? Why do I want him to stay when all I fucking do is fucking bring sadness? Why do I fucking telling myself to let him go but all I do is pull him closer? Why am I unable to completely change for this man Ive fell for so hard?
Shouldnt that be the easiest thing to do? His happiness is my priority. I should be able to change in a snap of a finger and yet that I cannot do. Does that mean I should let him go? He should be able to find the one because I am out of the way. I must not be selfish. God is there for his safe passage towards his soulmate and I am just stepping stone for him to get there. I have accepted this fate. Accepting the fact he may not be mine forever. Accepting that I have been the most terrible choice he's made.
So what do I do?

I am sorry, sayang. I never wanna let you go. I dont want to let you go. I want to be selfish and able to call you mine because you make me so proud and happy and filled with so much energy. But I am not worth your tears. I have caused you too much pain that kills me to have done. I hope tomorrow will bring us happiness in the future. In my heart, I pray we stay but my head tells to do the right thing. I leave it in the hands of the Almighty.
Whatever that happens, I want you to know that you will always be a huge part in my life and I will always love you. Thank you for loving this messed up girl and showing her what love is capable of making one feel. That floating feeling. So.. exciting. I love you. I love you. I love you, Daniel Choo. Please forgive me. You have been nothing but the best.

4:20am

Sometimes I wonder why I do all these stupid things. Every time I think "meh" it ends up terribly. I wanna be able to meh without regretting. I wanna meh all day long with you but you're the one that's making me feel bad for meh-ing. And then fuck, I think "what the fuck am I typing" and all I can tell you guys is I'm not happy. Moments like these make me think and I hate that every turn I take in my thoughts, ends up bad and I would feel upset and cry and cry and cry (not really I shed a tear and that's bout it). Tah la. Like I fucking love you yet I feel like I don't know you. Like, what am I doing with you? Is this right? What happens next? Why am I such a bad person? Why do I make you angry all the time? What am I doing wrong? Why am I so clueless? So stupid? So fucking.. Fucked?!

It's ridiculous, man. I'm tired yet I can't rest. So you tell me what to do when I have no one to talk to at this hour and all I long is your presence on the other side of the call. I screw things up and I expect them to get better by itself. I don't know how to fix things. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. It eats your inside, blaming yourself for all the faults you've caused. "You are an idiot, lily" I'm done.