4:20am

Sometimes I wonder why I do all these stupid things. Every time I think "meh" it ends up terribly. I wanna be able to meh without regretting. I wanna meh all day long with you but you're the one that's making me feel bad for meh-ing. And then fuck, I think "what the fuck am I typing" and all I can tell you guys is I'm not happy. Moments like these make me think and I hate that every turn I take in my thoughts, ends up bad and I would feel upset and cry and cry and cry (not really I shed a tear and that's bout it). Tah la. Like I fucking love you yet I feel like I don't know you. Like, what am I doing with you? Is this right? What happens next? Why am I such a bad person? Why do I make you angry all the time? What am I doing wrong? Why am I so clueless? So stupid? So fucking.. Fucked?!

It's ridiculous, man. I'm tired yet I can't rest. So you tell me what to do when I have no one to talk to at this hour and all I long is your presence on the other side of the call. I screw things up and I expect them to get better by itself. I don't know how to fix things. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. It eats your inside, blaming yourself for all the faults you've caused. "You are an idiot, lily" I'm done.