2 years 11 months. It has been a great run. No doubt, you have been the best I've ever had. You've opened my eyes to see the world as it is and in a way only you can. You have opened the doors to your heart to this stranger who knew nothing of what love is or even how to love.
Through heartache and pain I've shoved into your chest, you could still say you love me and it hurts me so much to realize my mistakes a little too late. It hurts me how I'm the rotten apple in the relationship. It hurts me how you're this amazing ball of light that cannot shine because I am the overpowering darkness. It hurts.
There's no denying that I love you with all of my heart, soul and mind. Thoughts of us deludes me at the end of the day, thought of you and me conquering the world side-by-side. And reality strikes when the past comes to haunt. And present me does not know how to react and I proceed to lying. To cover up my shame. To save you from the truth because I myself am afraid of the truth. What if this is the real me?
Is this monster who I really am? Am I designed by God to be a fucking whore, never worth being in a relationship with, yet able to love like a mother to a child? Who am I to question God? Who am I to deserve such a relationship from a man who tolerates my nonsense? Why is he doing this to me? Why does he continue to stay? Why do I want him to stay when all I fucking do is fucking bring sadness? Why do I fucking telling myself to let him go but all I do is pull him closer? Why am I unable to completely change for this man Ive fell for so hard?
Shouldnt that be the easiest thing to do? His happiness is my priority. I should be able to change in a snap of a finger and yet that I cannot do. Does that mean I should let him go? He should be able to find the one because I am out of the way. I must not be selfish. God is there for his safe passage towards his soulmate and I am just stepping stone for him to get there. I have accepted this fate. Accepting the fact he may not be mine forever. Accepting that I have been the most terrible choice he's made.
So what do I do?
I am sorry, sayang. I never wanna let you go. I dont want to let you go. I want to be selfish and able to call you mine because you make me so proud and happy and filled with so much energy. But I am not worth your tears. I have caused you too much pain that kills me to have done. I hope tomorrow will bring us happiness in the future. In my heart, I pray we stay but my head tells to do the right thing. I leave it in the hands of the Almighty.
Whatever that happens, I want you to know that you will always be a huge part in my life and I will always love you. Thank you for loving this messed up girl and showing her what love is capable of making one feel. That floating feeling. So.. exciting. I love you. I love you. I love you, Daniel Choo. Please forgive me. You have been nothing but the best.
